I feel like I’ve gotten to the point where I have no mental health. I mean, my mental health is so depleted that it no longer exists at all. I guess I’m talking about my disability. A human being, a brain, can only endure so much. In the end, everyone reaches a breaking point. So what do you do when you get to that point? What do you do when you don’t have any mental health?
What it’s like to experience the Mentla health crash
I’ve had a very bad year. I have had personal losses. I have had interpersonal loss. Now I have added the loss of employment. It’s more than I can bear. I have a to-do list and things, even as simple as making phone calls, I can’t do because I’m completely incapacitated. My carpet hasn’t been vacuumed in months. My apartment hasn’t been dusted in months. Simply keeping dishes in the dishwasher seems like a challenge. Plus many more problems.
All this results in endless sorting. I look at the things I need to do. I select what is most on fire at the moment. I select what life cannot survive without. And then I do that as best I can, avoiding everything else. I have to talk to myself about it as if I were a child. Each small step must be enumerated and completed consciously with great effort.
Then I look at the list and choose what is currently on fire the most. And repeat. And repeat. Everything is at a crisis point when I get to it.
Everything I do is great, for sure. The problem is that I have so little capacity that I cannot advance. When I manage to do one thing, three more things are on fire. I take about a spoon a day. That’s simply not enough. Have No mental health and is causing enormous disability.
I feel like I’m walking through a loud, crowded crowd with a scared four-year-old. I take the four-year-old by the hand and say in the calmest (but stressed) voice possible, “Now, take a step to the left. Now well. Good. Let’s go straight.» Etc.
What it feels like to not have mental health
And in terms of how I feel? Mainly I try not to do it. I’m just trying to concentrate. I just try to focus on the small thing in front of me and block out everything else. I am aware that I am depressed, but I don’t have time to feel it. Anxiety is at the forefront. Anxiety so intense I feel like my nerves are being electrocuted. It is a very physical (and psychological) sensation. Endless, obsessive, intrusive and angry thoughts are also mixed in.
What you need to know about not having mental health
I am aware that this is bad. I am aware that this is very bad. I am also aware that this is temporary. I have no idea how temporary it is, but I know that the rest of my life I will not be in this state. At some point something will change. He always does it.
I have no doubt that the repercussions of this era will be felt for a long period of time. However, that period will not last forever. I guess this is the crux of hope. It is the knowledge that all pain, no matter how terrible and dramatic, does not remain at a level 10+ forever.
Also note this warning: I am getting help for my lack of mental health, and if you are at the bottom of the barrel, you need to get professional help too. Mountains this big don’t move alone.
If you can’t face the lack of mental health
The first thing I need to know is that I’m handling this. I’m breathing. I’m eating. I’m sleeping. I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. However, if this is not true for you. If you can’t keep an eye on reality, if you don’t feed yourself, if you hurt yourself or neglect those who need you (like pets or children), please get professional help immediately. Overwhelming states may require hospitalization to stabilize. This doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It just means you need a little extra help to be successful. While hospital stays are no fun, they can save your life and you are worth it.
If you don’t have mental health and can cope
If you are managing this horrible state and are not a danger to anyone else or yourself, then there are a few things you can do.
First, breathe deeply, try to relax, and be kind to yourself. Understand that you are going through something incredibly difficult and you are doing the best you can. Treat yourself as you would anyone else going through something this difficult. Beating yourself up for all the things you’re not doing will only make the things you need to do more difficult.
Then, take frequent breaks. If you don’t have the spoons to deal with what’s going on around you, you need to rest more, not less. You are trying to recharge your body, brain and mind as much as possible. While this may seem like a losing battle, it will be even worse if you end up bedridden or hospitalized when you could have avoided it.
Manage tasks when you don’t have mental health
Next, my classification method is important. While I hate endless sorting, it really works to manage time without mental health. I recommend writing down everything you need to do and assigning it a priority. If you don’t feel like you can do this, get help. Another person may be able to see your life and what you need more clearly. Review this list every morning. Enjoy the feeling of crossing something off your list, but don’t beat yourself up if your list keeps growing. Use reminders or to-do lists on your phone if you find them useful.
Then bring reinforcements. Find out what things on your list can be handled by other people. Can someone else pick up your medication? Can anyone else mow the lawn? Can someone else prepare dinner? Even if it’s a lower priority item, if someone else can do it, reach out and ask for help.
Then let go of what you can. Yes, I said my carpet hasn’t been vacuumed in months. I want to change that. I really do. But until I find the resources to do it, I’ll let it go. No one has ever died from a dirty carpet.
Then sit down to work on your first task. Understand that you probably have very few mental resources available. This could mean that you find highly intellectual tasks challenging. It may also mean that you find tasks that take you away from home challenging. You may also be so tired that you find physical tasks challenging. Whatever your challenges are, acknowledge them and don’t judge them.
Instead, look for ways to tackle the most challenging parts. One of the main ways I do this is to break things down into very, very small tasks. For example, I don’t unload the dishwasher; For several reasons, I find it overwhelming. So what I do is I unload one thing every time I walk into the kitchen. If I feel good about it, I do one more. In the end, the task is accomplished without being overwhelming. Likewise, I prepare for tasks, making them easier. I could prepare the food I’ll need for dinner at one time and then cook it another time. Each smaller task seems more doable, while combined, it feels overwhelming.
An example of managing a task when you do not have mental health
As I said earlier, you may need to talk through the task little by little while consciously telling yourself to breathe deeply. Remember, this is a very damaged brain, so talk to yourself slowly, calmly and simply. For example, if you need to call someone to make an appointment, try walking through the process yourself and saying each step in your head or even out loud as you go:
- Practice what you want to say ahead of time. Decide when you want to book the appointment.
- Be clear about your goals.
- Pick up the phone.
- Find the contact you need.
- Mark the contact.
- Talk to the contact.
- Check your agenda again.
- Write down the quote.
- Confirm the appointment via voice.
- Hang up the phone.
Yes, those are the steps to calling to make an appointment. I’m sure you know them. That’s not the point. The point is to break it all down into those little pieces and then go through them. It is a rudimentary approach that is needed when the higher order brain is not functioning.
What to do when you feel like you don’t have mental health
All of the above is important. The coping techniques you use to manage tasks can help you get through the day and ensure you see a little progress along the way, even without mental health. That said, it is also necessary to go beyond task management. You need to consider how you can make your life a little better. Yes, treatment is a big part of that. But so is giving yourself permission to take a day off. So is eating ice cream someday. So is having coffee with a friend. I know that dealing with extreme mental health issues is exhausting and it can feel like you don’t have time for any of it. But, truly, no one will die if tomorrow you eat ice cream while reading a book and doing laundry.
And trust that with work and assistance your mental health will return. It always has been.
If you feel like your mental health has disappeared, know that you are not alone. Share your story below or contact a mental health professional for help.
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