This feels weird. Writing, I mean. Once again, I had no intention of leaving the blog for so long! I promised before that I would write a «final» post when I decided to stop blogging so no one would have to wonder what happened, and I definitely will. But I don’t feel like I’m ready to quit completely yet, so here I am.
I’m about to get really vulnerable here…
When I started blogging, I had no idea my blog would gain so many readers. I had actually been blogging for 11 years at that point, but I switched to the Blogger platform because it was much easier to add images than the platform I had been using. I basically wanted to document my struggles and triumphs regarding my weight and my running goals. (I didn’t know that Blogger would make me more visible on the Internet. Having a handful of readers at the time was comfortable for me, since I’m a (ironically) private person in general.)
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| The early days of Runs for Cookies…so young and not realizing what was coming! 😉 |
Later that year, a couple of big things happened: I was invited to be on The Dr. Oz Show to talk about my weight loss and I had skin removal surgery to remove excess or loose skin around my abdomen. I remember logging into the blog one day and seeing that the page views had increased from 100 to about 10,000 overnight. Instead of getting excited, I was extremely anxious about it: why do people read what I write? Don’t they know I’m not a «real» writer? I can’t write private or vulnerable things here!
I soon discovered that there were a lot of people going through the same things as me, and it was great to have that support system, so to speak. And then I started getting some negative comments here and there, about random little things I had written, and they hurt me a little bit. I only had good intentions, I didn’t speak ill of people and I stayed away from very controversial topics. Plus, 99% of the people I interacted with were very friendly! I didn’t understand the negativity.
[Side note: I believe there is a big difference between «constructive criticism» and just plain rude or mean-spirited comments. I’ve received a lot of constructive advice/criticism over the years and I appreciate it–I’ve learned a lot of new things from commenters who are kind in offering their opinions/advice. The negative comments I’m referring to in this post are the mean-spirited and/or rude ones, where the only purpose is to hurt my feelings or shame me.]
Also worth noting: I know that by opening up much of my life here on the internet, I’m basically asking for rude criticism. But I loved writing and meeting amazing people and tried to follow the belief that «it comes with the territory.»
I was able to ignore the comments that were really ridiculous («You don’t know how much sugar is in grapes? You eat so many. You’re going to get diabetes.» In fact, I got several comments about eating a lot of grapes too, and those comments were easy to laugh at. Actually , some of my friends still joke with me about my horrible grape habit, ha ha.)
However, some of the comments were really hurtful. I’ve found that it’s usually comments about things I already feel insecure about that hurt me the most; I started to wonder if everyone thought of me that way. («I can’t believe you let your kids eat all those sugary toppings on frozen yogurt. You’re teaching them your bad eating habits and they’ll become obese too.»)
That, along with some other comments from my parents, planted the seed that I was a bad mother, which led me to question other decisions I made. If I wrote about something I was proud of, like throwing away the second half of a brownie instead of eating it when I knew half was enough, I was told, «That’s not something you should be proud of, unless you’re proud.» of eating disorder behavior.»)
Because being a stay-at-home mom isn’t very common anymore, I’ve had to deal with a lot of criticism for it. Jerry and I are very glad we made that decision 20 years ago and we wouldn’t change it. Jerry feels good about supporting our family and I really enjoy being a «stay at home mom.» I know it’s not for everyone and that’s okay. We made the decision that we felt was best for our family. Being a father and mother involves MUCH MORE than taking care of children, and the comments telling me that I was lazy, worthless, and a bad wife made me angry. I have two absolutely wonderful children (people tell me all the time that Jerry and I raised fantastic children) and I like to think that being a stay-at-home mom helped in that regard.
There are people who can read comments like that and laugh at them or just forget about them… I wish I was one of those people.
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| As Mark would say, «Isn’t that the truth?» (If only I could flip a switch and do it!) |
Growing up, I can’t even begin to guess how many times I was told I was «too sensitive.» I admit it: I am a sensitive person! [Note: That is *not* to say that I get offended easily, however. It’s actually very difficult to offend me. When people are joking around or they are friends of mine or bantering, etc… it’s great to laugh, especially at myself!] But when someone wants to hurt my feelings, it’s (unfortunately) very easy to do so.
I care a lot about making people happy and when I feel like I let them down in some way, I feel really bad about myself. [Note: I know this is more about me than the other person and I need to work on my self-confidence and all of that. Comments from strangers should not affect me like this. I recognize that. But I can’t just snap my fingers and make myself into someone that I’ve never been.]
Over the years of blogging, I’ve read a lot of not-so-good things about myself. The first few times you read something negative about yourself, it can be quite easy not to think about it much. But reading it over and over again for years began to take its toll on me. I still loved writing (I’ve met so many amazing readers and friends through my blog) but my self-esteem was taking a hit with every mean-spirited comment, even though there weren’t many.
One day in August last year (I remember it like it was yesterday) I had a couple of negative comments and reading them at that time broke me. I was still going through the worst year of my life and I was feeling as depressed as I could be; Reading that I was a «lazy wife with no real job» hit me like a punch to the gut. The timing couldn’t have been worse.
My already severe anxiety skyrocketed. I wondered if everyone thought I was lazy and forced my husband to work like a slave just so I could sit and watch TV and eat chocolates all day. And since I’d received comments before about how I exaggerate my feelings and that I don’t have «real» anxiety, I didn’t feel like I could write about it.
There are many topics I stopped writing about over the years for that reason. When I once opened up about having too much empathy (I know it sounds strange, but it affects my emotions so much that sometimes I wish I could turn it off), someone called me a narcissist. I wanted to write a lot more about this so I could describe what I wanted to say and even see if anyone else had the problem, but after that I felt judged and too vulnerable.
I so want to have a thick skin, not worry about what other people think of me, stop trying to please everyone and live my life unapologetically! (If you’re one of those people, never take it for granted. I envy you.) When I took a break from my blog, I felt like I could do what I wanted and not be judged or criticized for my decisions. Over the past year, my writing anxiety has been very hard on me.
Right now, I have a big lump in my throat, my hands are sweaty, my heart is racing, and my stomach is in knots… all the things that happen when I’m anxious. Of all the 3,681 posts I’ve written, this is the one I’m most worried about posting. I always planned to write something like this before I left the blog. I hope everyone reading this sees that words, even from strangers, can really hurt people.
When a bully started calling me «Shamu» in fourth grade, I became extremely conscious of my weight… and started my first diet. I also started binge eating and eating in secret. I’m not saying that wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been called Shamu; but I do know that it was a catalyst for a lifetime of problems with my eating habits.
Again, there are people who can ignore comments like that; and then there is me… sensitive to the point that I begin to question myself in all aspects of my life. And again, I know this is a problem *I* need to work on, and I’m always trying. I’m not writing this to say a big «fuck!» to people who criticize me (although sometimes I definitely want to); rather, I hope to provide insight into how little words can have a big impact on someone’s life.
To end this on a positive note, I want to say that I am SO grateful for all the kind people out there. Just as hurtful words can make me feel bad about myself, the overwhelming positivity of 99% of my readers has kept me writing for the past 13 years. I don’t look for praise when I write, but a kind word never fails to ease the pain of the bad a little. And even though I’m horrible at responding (I’m so sorry), I read and take every single one of them seriously. It’s not just the negative comments that affect me. I have gained so much positivity over the years that sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst.
When I started this post, I planned to write a little about the last month (has it been that long?) but all of this just spilled over. I think I’m tired of putting up with it all the time.
Anyway, I hope to write again soon. I had an eventful end to the summer, including my first plane flight since 2019! So I’ll try to offer the CliffsNotes version when my stomach doesn’t get in knots 😉
Now I’m going to eat some diabetes pumps grapes that are on sale for 99 cents a pound!
